The Wall and The Hammer - The song Hammer, by Alice Phoebe Lou, and the effort for a sound relationship

It seems as though it is the fate of human kind that, in the important process of individuation, walls be put around people, so as our bodies be protected from pain and annihilation. The very fact of being born causes us pain. No other animal is born crying — thus crying, for us, becomes a synonym for being alive. Notwithstanding, there is only so much pain that we can bear, and therefore we endeavor to create protections from the outside world — and in this we are separated from others — and become an I. From this point forward, everytime it is put to each one of us the decision between the I and the Them. It is as the saying goes: "rather them than me". This is the reason why Jesus Christ's sacrifice seems so unthinkable, but at the same time inspires so much gratitude. People think: he didn't care about his life — something I could never do — and, in fact, gave it up to save mine — he suffered in order that I don't.

    However, Jesus is the only example of selfless, uninterested sacrifice. In all other examples the offering was met with some kind of reward. For this reason, the christian story is so out of place, and really impossible to be replicated. The less ideal situation is reciprocity — to yield and then to earn. Nevertheless, it is ideal, for we can never be sure to get back what was given up. Consequently, self-sufficiency is the watchword, even though in our core we are social, political animals. We have built a society where we could live together in cooperation, and yet we go about our lives as a cluster of islands, a lonely archepelago with strict borders. Out of this paradox we were bound to fall into constant conflict and, in order to protect the self, each of us adopts an attitude of defensiveness, shifting blame or avoiding responsibility during a disagreement. In addition, we believe that we are superior to the other and start belittling them and criticize their character or personality instead of addressing a specific problem or behavior. Ultimately, we put a wall between us.

    This happens in the outer circles of society as well as in the most inner core: a couple. Psychologist John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman called these aforementioned behaviors the four horsemen, an allusion to the Book of Revelation, where they are interpreted as symbols of major destructive events. Based on over 40 years of research, they divised a method of an approach to couple’s therapy, that they called the sound relationship house theory. It is based on the assumption that a successful relationship is built like a house — there are areas of sollitude and there are spaces of congregation. We are each an individual person, self-sufficient in a sense, but this does not hinder the possibility of connectedness. 

    The most important aspect of Gottman's method is that it involves understanding each other’s inner worlds and desire, which, in turn, involves being attentive and responsive to each other’s needs. In a word, it is based on reciprocity — I see you and you see me. 

    This is exactly what Alice Phoebe Lou sings about on Hammer:

As I try to exist
Without caring 'bout the voices in my head, analysing
You would know, your head gets full too
I see it in the cloud that you carry
We could go and try to build a life
Without these worries bringin' us down
Just hold me close and be yourself
I want it, I want it all
I'm all I need, but oh, how I want you
She's lookin' back from the mirror
With wide eyes, guilty
Painting a picture
Half the time, I feel like mine
But the other half is wrapped up in you
I'm giving in, I'm checking out
I'm on a mission and that mission concerns you
I would like to wrap my world up with you
Make our lives two times the sweeter
It's sweeter to be in your corner
It's never been any clearer
Just wake me up in that way
And nothing else matters
I'm not afraid anymore
Like I was when you first looked at me that way
I'm not afraid like I was
The first time that you looked at me that way
I didn't know it yet
But there was somethin' in the words you said
And I didn't see it coming
But it was comin' for so long
Now as it washes over me
I can see how it took so long
I'm standin' at the altar and the world is singin' at me
And as I whisper to myself
This is the moment and I'm melting into it
Now's all I need when moments with you are so infinite
And there's moments that take me higher, help me see
Here I go playin' with fire but that's just me
Don't bring me down, bring me down
I just wanna breathe easily
Just lift me up, lift me up
So I can see more
See over the walls that I built with my own hands
I'll get the hammer, you put on the music
Let's break them down
I'll get the hammer, you play the music

And let's dance

    The poetic voice admits to having built a wall and to be tried with inner voices, intrusive thoughts, that depress the mind — just like almost all of us. If we are right in our inicial discussion, this is the reason why the poet affirms that "I'm all I need but oh how I want you". This line says: I know I can't rely on anybody but myself, and yet there is a subtle loneliness or a sense of longing for a missing connection. And the way to create or preserve it is the acknoledgement of one's self and of one's own fears ("I'm not afraid like I was"), but also of the other's qualities ("it's sweeter to be in your corner") and inner life and anxieties ("your head gets full too, I see it in the cloud that you carry"). Only then the walls that separate us can be overcome:

I'll get the hammer, you put on the music
Let's break them down
I'll get the hammer, you play the music

And let's dance

    In conclusion, turning towards, not away, is the quiet art of everyday gestures — small acts of reaching, listening, and meeting your partner where they are. It is in these moments, tender and unassuming, that love grows. The strength of a relationship often rests on this simple, yet profound, ability to turn to one another. Commitment is one of the pillars that hold up the house of connection, alongside trust. It is spoken not only in words, but in deeds — an enduring promise that through storms and sunlight alike, you are present, steadfast, and each other’s anchor. The walls can only go down when both not only make an effort, but also enjoy it and dance around the rubble.

REFERENCES

• https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
• https://mindvoyage.in/what-is-gottmans-method-of-couples-therapy/
• Alice Phoebe Lou. “Hammer.” Track 8 on Shelter. Self-released, 2023.